The Acts of the Chief High Judge
by R. Donald James Gauvreau
Summary: God is the Almighty Janitor. Jesus is the Man with No Name. Karl Marx is his best friend. Rainbow Dash is the Devil and acid is magic. This is most assuredly not the Bible. But it's pretty close (no it isn't, not at all).
1. The Beginning

_A/N Alright. This is gonna be... a strange thing, in all probability. I originally wrote the first fifteen chapters of this story in my first month or so when I was serving as a full-time Mormon missionary, but then I threw it all away because I didn't like it. What can I say about it? Well, I don't really know what's going to happen after a certain point, but before we get there you're going to see Scooby-Doo, Starscream, the Care Bears, Draco (of Dragonheart fame), Batman, Karl Marx, and a whole lot more. It's going to be totally sick, and I don't really know if I mean that as "really cool" or "diseased." _

_Also, this is going to be updated kind of haphazardly. I have no idea how long this is going to go on. I'm not even entirely sure what, if anything, is going to happen after I end the arc that I was about to begin before I tore this all up the first time around. __In fact, feel free to make suggestions. This is total crack fic, which makes me feel a little bit better about not having the whole thing written before I post the first chapter. _

**The Acts of the Chief High Judge**

**Chapter One: The Beginning**

_Forasmuch as many have taken in hand to set forth a writing of the things of he that was the Chief High Judge (blessed be the name that is not spoken), _

_And seeing how many errors have crept into the understanding of the people, as pertains to his doings and his words, _

_It seemed good to me also, having a more perfect understanding of all things from the very first, having heard the words of the Chief High Judge (blessed be the name &c &c) even as they fell from his lips, to write unto thee, most humble Billy, son of my sister and that rapscallion she calls her husband, _

_In order that thou mightiest know the certainty of those things, wherein thou hast been instructed_

_(And do I apologize for calling your father a rapscallion, for verily we did both promise your mother, after that incident with the noodles and the combine harvester, that we would be civil regarding each other from then on)_

Now it came to pass that in the beginning there was the Big House

And the Big House was aptly-named, yea, even as it was very big, and was a house, even a house for the Man Upstairs, who dwelt therein.

And in the Big House were many rooms.

And so vast was the Big House, and so numerous its rooms, that it came to pass that the Man Upstairs could not maintain them all.

And it came to pass that he hired the services of a janitor, yea, even The Janitor, who cleaneth all things.

And it came to pass that The Janitor did go out into each and every room, cleaning withersoever he went.

And in one of the rooms he came across a world, yea, even our own.

(Now though it may be vast to us, The Janitor is vaster still, and to Him it was as a marble is to your hand and this is how it was contained within a room, and unnoticed by the Man Upstairs)

And The Janitor saw that the world was besieged by the Dust, yea, even the forces of Chaos and all destruction and tyranny.

And he did see as the dust-bunnies, and the dust-gaunts, and the dust-bears, did make war upon the children of the world in terrible forms.

And The Janitor did take His mighty tools, yea, even His broom, and His mop, and His white glove,

And it came to pass that He did clean the whole room,

Yea, for He did clean the floors, and under the couch, and around it, and even in between the cushions thereof, wherein he found a penny,

And He did even clean the knickknacks that were upon the exceedingly-hard-to-reach shelves.

And it came to pass that, having cleaned the whole room, He did pass out of the room by the way which He had come,

For He was The Janitor, and in His Master's house were many rooms, and all these needed cleaning.

But it was written, as had been told to the wise and the humble in their sleep, that The Janitor would return again,

For verily, verily, the work did never cease, and as soon as the last room was clean so would someone knocketh over the fine china or spill expensive wine on the white carpet in another room. Even so.

(And it came to pass that a dragon did come into the room, but the dragon then left straightway again, for he was drunken from a party being held elsewhere in the Big House, and was merely very lost)


	2. The Call

**Chapter two**

1 And it came to pass that much time did come to pass.

2 Yea, and there were exceedingly many wars, and rumors of wars, and rumors of what You Know Who was doing with that tramp singer, you know, the one that topped all the charts for four months just a few years back, that has-been

3 (And wasn't it a shame, really, because he'd seemed like such a nice boy, but all that fame just must have gotten to his head, donchaknow, and My Mother Always Told Me horcruxes were a gateway ritual and you'd lose your sense).

4 And there arose one among the children of men who was highly destined

5 And he was named with a name, as was the custom among the children of men, but this name was forbidden us that we might not speak it

6 And so we know him not by any name, nor from whence he came, but only whither he went

7 For this reason it is that we know of him thusly during this time, the Man with No Name

8 (And his hair was near ginger, like unto the soulless, but he dyed it always to conceal this dread mark).

9 Now it came to pass that he and his four dearest friends did form a band in high school.

10 Yea, and they did form it for the getting of chicks, for it was said of the wise in those times, Truly, a chick doth diggeth a band, even if its music is awful.

11 And this saying heartened the Man with No Name and his friends, for truly they were awful.

12 And it came to pass that all was well in the land, or at least among those parts of the land that were not suffering from bear attacks, which were not uncommon in the most northern parts of the land.

13 But in process of time the Man with No Name and his friends did forget the purpose of their band, yea, even the getting of chicks

14 And they did remark upon their awfulness, and they did say, one unto another, Truly, our awfulness is thine fault, and not mine.

15 In this thing they did err, for all of them were awful in an equal portion, but in their pride they did not look within and see their own lack of talent, but only the lack that their friends did hold.

16 And so it was that the band did break up and scatter across the face of the land, yea, and the chest and some of the arms of the land also.

17 But not the feet, for a certain virulent fungus had become most prevalent in those portions, and there was also the smell to be dealt with.

18 Oh man, the smell.

19 It was just awful, let me tell you what.

20 And it came to pass that the Man with No Name did wander from town to town as a part-time dishwasher.

21 He did scrub the dishes clean, applying the water, and the soap, and the sponge with all mighty force.

22 And he cleaned the silverware likewise, and the cups, and all the pots and pans.

23 And he did clean them as a wandering vigilante did clean a corrupt town of wicked men, except that the Man with No Name did usually leave less gore and assorted body parts on the street in the course of his cleaning.

24 And he did travel with one of his old bandmates, even Karlotta, who was surnamed Marx.

25 And thus it was, until one day he was suddenly caught up by the hand of the Almighty Janitor, and he was carried up, up, and away from the surface of the world into the sight of the Almighty Janitor, who was vast before men, and a giant as a man is giant before the tiny demons that do spread plague and sickness within the bodies of the children of men.

26 And the Almighty Janitor looked upon him and said, Be not afraid.

27 Yea, I do know that this is hard, for I am exceedingly tall, and even my low whisper is like the booming of seven thunders to one as tiny as you, and it does seem that my letter to give forewarning was lost in the post, for you do not look as if you were expecting this at all.

28 But really, do at least give it the old college try, okay?

29 And the Man with No Name said that he would do his best.

30 And the Almighty Janitor said, Behold, I am the Almighty Janitor, even He that cleaned the world in the beginning of time, and the Room in which it is held.

31 And I come to entrust you with a great mission for the salvation of the children of men, for the Time of the Hammer doth come, and it comes quickly.

32 And the Almighty Janitor did speak unto him concerning the Time of the Hammer and the awfulness thereof, which awfulness would be worse than the music of any band, even the most awful.

33 But darkness and decay and death were not inevitable to fall upon the world forever and ever and ever, but could be stayed

34 And for this purpose had the Almighty Janitor come to grant the Man with No Name his mighty quest.

35 Now, after the Almighty Janitor had made an end of speaking of these things the Man with No Name did accept his mission.

36 And the Almighty Janitor did speak unto him again, saying, Even as you have been given a new duty, to prepare the world for the Time of the Hammer, even so you have been given a new life, and have lost thy old life, and even thy old name.

37 And this name shall be replaced but none shall know it, save a few, and so I grant unto you as well a title, and declare that thou wilt be known henceforth as the Chief High Judge

38 For at the end of all time will I come to sit before the world, and you, even you, will judge it, according to the desires of their hearts, so mote it be

39 (Now let not your mother know I told you this, but thou art a curious child and must surely desire to know the name with which the Chief High Judge was named, and so I say unto you that his name was Bob).

40 This all having been said, the Almighty Janitor did return to the ground the Chief High Judge (for thus was he known to the world henceforth)

41 And the Almighty Janitor did say unto Chief High Judge, with a voice like unto seven thunders, We'll probably chat again later.

42 Now go forth, and be awesome in My name.

43 And the Almighty Janitor did remove himself from the world, as He had done before.

44 And Karl, who disliked her full name, did return to the Chief High Judge from The Frying Dutchman, at which place she had been dining (if you can call it that), and the Chief High Judge leaned back against his horseless carriage and put on his obsidian glasses, and said unto her, Yea verily, do pack up your things, for we are gonna put the band back together and save the world

45 And Karl said, Well, I guess I can dig that. I didn't have anything else to do this week.

46 And verily, verily, they were awesome in the name of the Almighty Janitor.


	3. The Temptations

_A/N FF... did not upload this properly the first time around. Dang it. _

**Chapter three**

1 And it came to pass that the Chief High Judge, formerly and forever the Man with No Name, and Karlotta, surnamed Marx and preferring Karl, did go out into the desert, that the Chief High Judge might be tempted.

2 Behold, this was done, and it was done because "Reasons."

3 And they were somewhere on the edge of the Great Sandy Waste when the tempting began to take hold

4 And he had fasted for about forty minutes and taken three pellets of mescaline when the tempter came to him, even Rainbow Dash (and Twilight Sparkle was with her).

5 And Rainbow Dash said unto him, Behold, I am the greatest of Devils, even the coolest of the cool and the most technicolor of all that have color, and of those that have come out from Ponyville there are none greater.

6 And it was her will that she should tempt the Chief High Judge and lead him into thorny paths, for she desired not that he should oppose her

7 For it was the desire of Rainbow Dash that the will of the Almighty Janitor come to naught, and that she should hold the worlds in her hooves and the children of men should look upon her works, and despair!

8 And she said unto the Chief High Judge, Behold, I offer unto you these twelve vinyl records, the sound of which is most superior to any laserdisc, and for any band or genre do I offer you them.

9 And the Chief High Judge replied, saying, It is written, _Be not thou a hipster, for the hipster boasteth of his having Liked That One Thing before it was cool, and blesseth both the ironically smug and the smugly ironic, whom the Almighty Janitor abhorreth. _

10 _The_ _hipster through the pride of his countenance will not seek after the Almighty Janitor: the Almighty Janitor is not in all his thoughts_.

11 Then Rainbow Dash said unto the Chief High Judge, Take then this Jim Bean, and this Jack Daniels, and this Captain Morgan, and this Jose Cuervo, which I shall give unto you

12 And mix them together, the sup of the Four Horsemen, and drink it up.

13 And the Chief High Judge replied, saying, I cannot, for it is written, _That man is an idiot, who shall take Captain Morgan with any tequila, for truly, Captain Morgan is a racist, and he hates Mexicans._

14 _And the idiot that shall drink of them together shall find himself worshipping the god of porcelain, and he goeth quickly._

15 Then the Chief High Judge added, And also it seems to me most foolish to take alcohol while already I have partaken of the sacrament of the mescaline, and the self-transforming machine elves are singing their righteous Rock to the tune of eldritch crawling geometries and grinning jeweled basketballs.

16 Like, oh man, I can only imagine that alcohol is going to turn this into a thing that is not fun at all.

17 Then Rainbow withdrew the three whiskeys and the tequila which she had offered, and replaced them with two pills, saying,

18 Take ye then this pill, which pill is Red, and be one of my bronies, yea, and most highly-favored in my sight

19 For verily, verily, acid is magic.

20 Or take ye this other pill, which pill is Blue, and forget all these troubles that assail you, yea, and return to your previous life of ignorance.

21 And the Chief High Judge replied, saying, It is said by Confucius, "Say no to drugs."

22 Which thing caused Rainbow Dash to blink.

23 And she said unto him, Are you not at this very moment on the mescaline, as you yourself even mentioned not two minutes ago?

24 And the Chief High Judge said, Well… Um… Er…

25 And Rainbow Dash looked at him quite pointedly

26 And the Chief High Judge tried again, saying, Well look here, I mean really, c'mon, I'm kind of new to this gig, alright? So cut me a little slack.

27 But verily, verily, I am pretty sure that the line should be drawn at accepting drugs from a psychedelic pony.

28 I mean, are you even real or is this just me tripping out?

29 Am I in bat country?

30 Seriously, is this bat country?

31 And Rainbow Dash said nothing, but facehoofed.

32 And the Chief High Judge gathered his senses and returned to face her, saying, Speak not any more concerning this nonsense, and confuse me not. Get thee hence to Ponyville, Rainbow Dash.

33 And Rainbow Dash went out from his sight (and Twilight Sparkle went with her)


End file.
